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Yeah. That's about where I'm at right now. Boy, I tell ya, if fucking up was an olympic sport, I'd be at the top of the game.
Me: Dad, you ever get the feeling that everybody around you is fucking crazy?
My Dad: Lots.
"It wanted to make love to you," he says.
"Love?" she says, her voice barely under control "No. Oh no. Tak understands nothing about love, cares nothing about love. It wanted to fuck me, that's all. When it discovered it couldn't use Herb to do that, it killed him." Tears are running down her face now. "It doesn't give up easily when it wants something, you know. What it did to him...well, imagine what would happen to one of little Ralphie Carver's shoes if you tried to get it on your big grown-up's foot. If you just kept jamming it and shoving it, harder and harder, oblivious of the pain, oblivious of what you were doing to it in your obsession to wear it, walk in it..."
"All right," he says. "I get the message."
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I just took part in the Global Game Jam 2012. What that amounted to for me as a musician was spending an entire weekend in a small room with a computer and a keyboard and recording a bunch of songs to be used in the video game that was being created by the development team at the jam. It was an awesome experience on all levels but one of the things that has stuck with me the most is seeing all the programmers' and artists' reactions to my music.
Everybody on the team was very appreciative of my work and they always commented on how nicely my music fit with the game. It is always interesting to hear reactions like that from people who aren't musicians. I've been taught to think of music differently in school than I would have thought of it otherwise, which is to say, very mathematically. From a practical standpoint, I can see the benefits of this. It certainly makes composing music a much simpler process. But it also deadens creativity to me. What's the point in writing a chord progression if you know that all you're doing is writing a chord progression? I guess it all comes down to how each individual person interprets music. For me, I often come up with melodies and riffs spontaneously and I often don't write them out until after the fact and most of the time I don't write them out at all. To me, writing out music is like writing a description of a painting and going to great lengths to describe the shades, the hues, the perspective, etc. I think the music speaks for itself.
That's not to say that I don't write out music. If I want my music played by other musicians, sure, I'll write it down. But even then, it's impossible to capture the essence of the music in writing because you can't make everybody else hear what you have in your head. It's hard enough making THAT come out by myself.
So anyway, I guess the whole point is that I'm much more interested in hearing what people who are not formally educated about music have to say about music than people who view it as a science. It felt really good being so appreciated by everybody this weekend. I guess one part of that is that it's unusual to me to have that kind of an impact on somebody, and it makes me feel good about myself when I do. But another part is knowing that one always needs to keep an open mind and not allow anyone else to do the job of sealing it up for you with theories.
Already sent a message to the people in congress, signed a few petitions, and have been posting and re-posting about it on Facebook. I just really hope it doesn't pass. I'm pissed off that it's even gotten this far.
Some of this is going to be hard for me to write, but that's ok. That probably just means I'm long overdue to be affirming it to someone. Well, who knows me better than me? Noone. And that's unfortunate, because I don't know myself that well. But I think I'm starting to learn.
I see a lot of people go through a very painful experience and it is always amazing to me how they just pick up and carry on. Not that it's ever that simple. There is always something going on behind the scenes. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it has to do with the immediate time after the event occurs and how that time is spent that determines how the person deals with the experience.
The way I think it works is this. In the immediate aftermath, I mean somewhere in the vicinity of the next couple of weeks after, of a traumatic experience what I think happens to people is they become vulnerable and they really become a different person. I also think they are very susceptible to outside influences, which is why I've always thought it's really best to just leave them alone for a little while after the event occurs. Painful as it may be, I really think it's best if the person just has complete solitude for a while so they can gather their thoughts without distraction. If they are immediately subject to outside influence, I don't think it's necessarily a BAD thing, but I think it takes a lot longer for the person to understand what they went through and how it changed them because they have so many people telling them about THEIR experiences. That's just the way it is. People talk from their own experiences (like I'm doing right now). We can never get outside our own skin, so we have to do it that way.
In my example, in the immediate aftermath of my mother's death, I found myself surrounded by family members who all had ideas about what would be best for me. Everyone had ideas about how I should feel, what I should do. Me, a 13 year old, subject to a lot of confusion about the world in the first place, was pretty readily willing to just accept whatever comfort I was given. I'd take any kind of advice on moving forward with my life (i.e. getting a job, studying hard in school, how to be sociable). Just anything to make the pain go away.
I was in therapy for a while, and I don't remember it doing much good. For a period during my freshmen year of high school, with the help of some dopey self help book I was recommended, I told everyone that my emotional state was due to a metaphorical "gremlin". I don't know why I was recommended that book, but reading it as an adolescent, I wasn't really capable of making the distinction between an actual gremlin and the vague concept they talked about in the book. I think that was the beginning of my period where I didn't have any friends, come to think of it.....
I wandered through high school in a complete daze. Teenage angst doesn't even begin to describe it. I saw so many negative things in the world, and the fact that noone else seemed like they cared about or even noticed the things I did just made it worse. I felt completely alone. I did develop social relationships during that time, but in general, the only comfort I found was playing my guitar. My guitar has done a lot for me and I've spent a lot of time with it. That's one bond, at least, that can never be broken.
It's coming up on ten years since my mom has been dead. The person that I was ten years ago is gone. I've only recently, in the past year or so, begun to feel comfortable with myself again. I don't know how to put it into words. It almost feels like I'm just now realizing what my life is now. Maybe this is that phase they call "Acceptance". I think that's a bunch of bullshit. Nobody ever ""accepts"" these things. You just learn to live with them. You figure out what you need to do to make it through the day and you develop a personality based on that. The pain, as in the feelings, may not always be on the surface, but the memories are always there.
I don't think I've made myself very clear with this entry, but something just made me post it. If anything, it's been an exercise in self-exploration. I think the point I wanted to make about traumatic experiences is that a person needs time alone in order to understand and learn from the experience. If they aren't able to get that, understanding yourself can be a long process. I don't know if I've made any progress in understanding myself. Honestly, I've questioned how much it even matters. All this introspection is very narcissistic anyway.
Ahh, I'm digging a hole here. People do different things for different reasons. If I could get outside myself, I might be able to understand.
I just felt like blowing off some steam, so that's what I'm doing. That's usually the only reason I use this thing anyway. When I need to dump something off my chest that I'm sure nobody else wants to hear.
I'm just really sick and tired of negativity. Contrary to what seems to be a popular impression of me, I don't feed off of pessimism. But if I keep getting bombarded by it, it's gonna take its toll and affect the way I think. And it's hard to stay in good spirits when some people just give you no reason to be hopeful about anything and spew nothing but negativity at you.
I'll admit, it's probably easier for me to see the darker nature of things a lot of times, and these days I can see why it would be the same for other people. But if you can give me something to be hopeful for, even the tiniest bit, it would be better than putting me in a mindset of "this sucks and there's nothing you can do about it", which I feel like I've been in for a long time now.
Well, I guess that's all I really wanted to say. Life has been pretty stressful for me lately and it's not easy for me to relax. But I think I'm getting by ever so slowly with the help of some cool people I'm encountering. I just felt especially drained today both physically and emotionally, so I guess that manifested itself in this entry. I think I need a break from school.
"So there's problems in your life. That's fucked up, but I'm not blind. You're just see-through faded, overrated, and out of your mind."
Jerry Cantrell, you took the words right out of my mouth. I had a little moment of clarity today about some things that have been bothering me about certain events that have transpired in the past few months. It made me feel both better and bitter. Better because I think I finally see the complete picture and bitter because the complete picture makes me look like a fool. I'm feeling sad right now, but I'm gonna work through it slowly. I need to come to terms with some things about myself that I don't really like very much.
I feel alone...but maybe alone time will actually be the best thing for me right now.