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A hopeless mess. That's what I am. I'm looking so hard for answers that I lose touch with the fact that there may not be answers to anything. Am I just wasting my time? What am I doing with my life? I'm having a lot of fun playing music, sure. But it's no good to be selfish. I want to help other people too. There is no happiness if other people around me aren't happy. I can't even help myself, though, so what do I do? I don't know.
Mom, I wish you were here. I really need you right now.
Ugh...bad state of mind right now. Not the time to be posting feelings on the internet. But I've got to get this shit out somewhere, and sadly, this is the best I've felt in the past three months. I'd really like to just spill out everything I'm feeling into this entry, but unfortunately, this is one of those "I'm not sure who might be reading this" kind of things, so I'm gonna have to be vague.
My life is moving way too fast. I feel like I have no control over anything. Every day has become about figuring out what I need to do to get through the day while simultaneously thinking about what I need to be preparing for tomorrow. I'd grown accustomed to that from last year. If college has taught me anything, it's taught me a work ethic. I take no issue with that, but now it's more complicated. The last few months have been emotional hell. It's gotten so bad that I've had to put certain feelings on hold because I'm just psychologically so overwhelmed sometimes that I can't deal with them at the time. So they sit, and swell, and drive me fucking crazy. There was a person who I started to become friends with over the summer, who I really liked. I really enjoyed her company, but she had a lot of internal issues and some nasty stuff happened to her, and so she kinda fell out of my life. She seemed to have a lot of internal damage that dragged her down in a way that I couldn't help but relate to. The feelings she expressed to me and the way that she dealt with them really reminded me of...well....me, which really scared me, actually. I guess that's the reason I couldn't help her. I never learned how to deal with my own problems correctly so I couldn't help her with hers. So the feelings I have about that are a mix of guilt and just flat out self-resentment. I hate myself for not being able to help her in a way that would really make a difference in her life. I so hope she doesn't feel the same way, but I'm afraid to find out.
One thing I've learned is that it is WAAAY too damn easy for people to assume and make judgments about other people's behavior/actions without even knowing their circumstances. You can't DO that. It doesn't make any sense to judge someone's behavior because we're all human and we all have feelings that hold sway over our actions just as much as our logic. And it doesn't make sense to judge someone's actions because you're basically saying "This is what I would have done", which is bogus because first of all, you never know how you're going to react in a situation until you're forced into that situation. I didn't think I was a jealous person, but once again, life pushed me into a corner and my instincts lashed out. Second, I just don't think it's fair to pass judgment on someone else's life. But life isn't always fair kids, and right now, I'm feeling bitter and confused more than anything. Recently, someone said something about me that I don't know how to interpret. They said it in kind of an offhand way, so I can't tell if they were being serious or not, but every time I'm around them, I'm really trying to see if there's something sincere going on and I'm also trying to figure out if I feel the same way. I don't want to confuse affection for dependency because I know from experience that that's a recipe for trouble. But I'm so emotionally weary right now, that I don't even know if I care to make that distinction. It would feel good to have that kind of caring in my life. But I need to know what it's based on. I'm not in the mood to play games. My attitude is say what you mean and mean what you say. Still, there's something about this person that makes me feel reassured. Hope springs eternal, I guess, but I really would like to know how they feel. Something tells me, though, that I'm gonna end up fucking this up and they'll just forget about me. I don't want that to happen, though. But If I can't even figure out what my own feelings are, I sure as hell am never gonna figure out someone else's. I just want to be there for this person as much as I can and if that's not what they actually want, I'll back off. I just have to know.
I like listening to people. I really do. I think that actually creates mistrust against me with some people, though, because we're all so used to people nodding their head and smiling when we talk. When someone actually listens, It's kind of surprising. I find it to be a good feeling. And I'd like to think I can do that for other people. But if people don't want to talk to me.........I guess I can understand that. I'm probably not the easiest person in the world to get along with. I'm stubborn, angsty, and I take a lot of things very seriously, so I can see why I don't really fit in with a lot of people. Not to say that I haven't tried...
I've been told many times that I'm a good student. Too bad I'm not a very good person.
Once again, I seem to have come to a serious time of questioning and soul searching in my life. And as per usual, every source of personal support I thought I had has vanished. I don't even really feel like detailing how I feel right here. It's just some dumb emotional shit that I probably should have worked through a long time ago. Guess I'll just take some time alone and figure it out for myself like I always fucking do...
I've occasionally been criticized on this site for posting music to the heavy metal category that others don't define as "heavy metal". Well, I have only one thing to say about that. The definition of heavy metal has fuuuuucking changed...
Anyone remember a little thing called punk rock? I'm not talking about Green Day or Blink182 here. No, fuck them. I'm talking about Minor Threat, Sex Pistols, Circle Jerks, Bad Brains. Ring a bell? Well, anyway, the thing that was spawned from those groups was once called thrash metal. A style of music that sounded suspiciously like hardcore punk, but was far faster, heavier, and more aggressive. That's kind of the stuff that I'm interested in. Metal that is powerful and aggressive, but still melodic. None of this low-end dominated guitar-belching shit, which seems to be all people want and/or expect from metal nowadays.
I guess I have to come to terms with that. But honestly, just the same way that people say punk rock is dead, I honestly think true metal is dead now too and what we have left is a bunch of guys who get a distortion pedal, figure out how to tune a guitar to B-tuning and think that's all there is to it. That fucking offends me. I'm not out to change the world with this harangue(as if I would), I just felt like blowing off some steam to the only one who would listen(THANK YOU NG DIARY! You're my only true friend.)
To paraphrase Fat Mike, if you think metal can't be melodic, YOU'RE WRONG.
I remember years ago, when I was a wee lad on this site, I said to myself "self, it's time to start making other music besides metal." And my classical guitar went "HURRAY!" and my ESP sobbed uncontrollably. So for the next 4-5 years, I devoted myself to studying classical guitar and jazz. Now, having been through all the "academic music", so to speak, I'm back in a garage band playing metal again. Funny how that works...
Apropos that subject, my band has a MySpace and Facebook, for those who use such things. If you like our music, feel free to be our interweb buddy, and if you don't like our music, feel free to write long unintelligible remarks on our page.
Facebook: just search DISband.
"...similarly, even if the concept of God includes the idea of His necessary existence, this does not demonstrate that God exists. It merely tells us that, if He does exist, He exists necessarily." ~actual quote from a philosophy textbook
Man, I hate philosophy. It's just a bunch of incoherent babbling from people who have too much time on their hands. And don't tell me , "You just don't understand. It's higher level thinking."
It's all a matter of opinion, and anybody can have an opinion! And if you ask a philosophy teacher to clarify his ideas, you get, "Oh, you'll understand it in time. It's difficult to grasp initially." How's that for a cop out? God(who doesn't exist)dammit!
If you try to justify something that's inexplicable by adding a lot of fancy words and saying "it's really complicated", you're not an intellectual, you're an idiot.
Dunno why I feel the need to post something. Especially here of all places. Maybe I just need a hug...
My recent lifestyle has left me a withered and broken human being. But i'm having so much fun. Jamming with my friends, playing music at school, composing occasionally. I have practically no free time to just do whatever I want. Every time I get free time, I always use it as an opportunity to go out and do other stuff. I'm so restless. I guess that's...good. It's certainly made me more productive.
Ugh, I dunno. I'm tired.
I've been waiting a long time for this. I'm so happy it finally happened. Featured artist of the day 9/30/09. Thank you Newgrounds!
I realized my last post came off exceptionally emoriffic, so I'm making a rebuttal. Things aren't gonna be that bad, I'll just be really busy for once in my life. I guess I can live with that. It'll just take a lot of getting to used to.
Goin back to school on Monday and boy is it gonna suck. I'm gonna be driving 40 miles there and back EVERY DAY. All the money I make from my two jobs is just barely gonna cover gas. I'll almost never be able to see my friends(not like I see most of them now anyway, but still). So much to do, and I don't know if I have the money to do it.
Probably gonna be drinking more now. A LOT more.